Sunday, November 11, 2012

Forgive and Forget

It seems everywhere I go recently people are telling me that I need to forgive and forget.  They're not telling me to my face, of course.  To my face they're saying things like "You're handling this so much better than I could have!" and "I don't know how you do it...." But wherever I go, in movies, in relief society, in my conversations with people....I'm given this constant reminder that you really, truly do have to do that.  Cattiness won't get you very far...even if you do have a few really good zingers.

For those of you (those being  Two people who read this?) who don't know, I recently went through a spot of male difficulty (and woman difficulty, too....but definitely in a different way).  I won't get into the details, but let's just say that someone that I loved very very deeply and who told me on a regular basis that he loved me recently slept with (and then afterward started a relationship with) someone who I, unfortunately, can't escape from in my life right now while we were still dating...and they both lied about it and told me to "trust" them...and then, once they couldn't deny it any more told me in quite a few more words to get over it.

Not such a fun month, that one.....

And how did I handle it?  Hard to say.  Better than I could have, but not without blemish, as I'd like to tell myself.  So many times in my head I wanted to go all crazy psycho girl and slash both their vehicles up and maybe a few mattresses (the one that he was sleeping on with her happens to be one that I gave him, free of charge...just as a side note.  Oh...and the sheets, too....), maybe put a few bugs in bedrooms, things like that.   But I didn't.  I only yelled once, and I refrained from any specific name calling and focused instead on descriptions of actions....and in the end?  I was left knowing that I wasn't to blame for the situation but still hurt and wounded and liable to lash out like any other wounded animal would.

And I still find myself this way.  That's the hardest thing to acknowledge.

I find myself wanting to be mean and nasty to this person (whose relationship with my ex, by the way, ended rather quickly...turns out it wasn't the bargain he was hoping for...) and wanting to say snide things like "well maybe if you didn't this, then they wouldn't that."  But...what would that help, really?


And it sucks.

To prevent backlash, and to keep my hands in the still relatively-clean state that they are in now, I find myself alone a lot.  If there's a group situation and I know she's going to be there, I try to avoid it.  I don't want to risk saying something nasty and then embarrassing her and myself--she doesn't deserve that, and I don't want to be the girl who acts that way.

But is it fair that I feel jealous that she's already moving on from it?  She's perfectly fine with claiming everything that's male in sight as her game to flirt with.  She sees no problem in talking about MULTIPLE other guys to me already.  She has no problem with flirting and complaining about how guys just don't want to beeeeeee with herrrrrrrr.....And meanwhile I die a little more inside every time. I have thoughts that range from "wow...if I'm interested in the same guys that she is, what does that say about me??  And the guys we both apparently are attracted to??" And: "How is that even fair that she can move on, and I'm stuck, still broken and alone?"

And that's what I feel, mostly.  Alone. A little bit damaged, but mostly just alone. I know that we all like to scoff at the saying of "nice guys finish last"....but is it really true?  Obviously I can go to bed knowing that, morally and ethically I'm clear...but what if my refusal to bow down to that level of stupidity doesn't in fact make me a better role model to others and in fact makes me the chump who sits on the side lines.  Forgettable.

Forgiving and forgetting.  Forgiving is easy....although as I feel these thoughts of wanting to put her down, I realize just how far I have to go until I have let myself completely forgive...but forget?  That's the hard one.

Maybe it should be the other way around.  Maybe the only way to truly forgive someone is to forget about what they've done.  Forget so that you can truly forgive. Otherwise, if you don't forget it...if you choose to remember it when they are near or when something similar happens, you'll never be truly able to get over it.

Heaven knows I am ready to move on.